13:28 (T + 00:48)
The intensity is increasing more and more. I danced to the music and it was amazing. Balancing on a balancing desk (basically a very unstable sheet of flat wood on top of a cylinder of plywood) was extremely easy to the point that I did not even need to move to balance, I just stood on it in perfect balance... until I fell off, some time later. I feel amused and happy, talking with my brother is great fun. Typing is pleasant in a way in which I would not expect to be possible.
13:43 (T + 01:03)
Music is amazing. Strong euphoria, some dissociation. The world does not seem less real, I don’t feel like an observer. Instead, I feel like I am united with it, like I melted into it (this is more of a description of the mood than of an actual transpersonal effect). Body is very light, moving and dancing is effortless and magnificent. Flailing my arms and legs around is greeaaaaaat. Maybe I should try the nitrous now? Visually there is little changed, but perspective isn’t quite right in a way which is hard to describe, and the world feels compressed and extended at the same time. It’s odd, but in a really good way. Also typing is still super fun.
13:54 (T + 01:15)
Music is still great. My brother showed me some memes (he’s somehow miraculously skilled at finding really good ones), but I really couldn’t understand what was going on in them and they felt needlessly violent and confrontational. I am filled with joy and a strange kind of indifferent empathy. I feel that I really like other people, and thinking about them makes me smile, but I feel like this high is ‘for me’. I shall try the nitrous now, should be interesting. Let’s start with one cartridge.
When cracking the cartridge, I could still feel the cold of it, though it felt somehow distant. I feel stimulated and sedated at the same time. Lying in bed and flailing my limbs around is really nice.
14:10 (T + 01:30)
Some introspection, quite unpleasant. I feel like I am avoiding responsibility by doing drugs, instead of working on a project that I promised my other brother I will work on (even though I can probably get it done this evening or tomorrow anyway). I also skipped a lecture and instead elected to get high, and I guess I feel guilty about it. It feels as if the experience suddenly shifted in nature and became much less intense and euphoric. I still haven’t done the nitrous because I did not feel like it, and now I am not sure if I should, hm.
I think the change in the nature of the experience was brought forth by me unfortunately switching music and by my other brother going home, who I know somehow disapproves of drugs, and whom I also owe said project. Right now, I feel like I am just somewhat sad.
14:31 (T + 01:51)
I think it’s safe to proclaim this a tainted experience by now. The high mostly went away and I am left with what feels kind of like an empathogen crash. I feel sad, and I spent the last twenty minutes or so lying in bed, thinking about my life, my dislike of obligation, my fears of failing school, and my running away from responsibility. I felt like I needed to find ‘happy’ music, but found out that I have no adequately ‘happy’ music in my playlists, and changing it several times did not help much. I feel kind of weak, not physically, but more like existentially. I will try to play some Osu! to see if it helps my mood.
I guess that this is a lesson that I should only do hallucinogens when other people are not around, so that unexpected events don’t intrude into the experience.
15:00 (T + 02:20)
I decided to do some nitrous after all. Initially, I experimented with one cartridge (8.4g), and it felt more like two or three – marked aural distortion, the general high of nitrous. Interestingly, it seemed to bring back the MXiPr high a little bit, and it felt like it ‘salvaged’ the experience, at least partially. Light from the Sun suddenly pouring into the room undoubtedly helped too. Encouraged, I tried inhaling three cartridges back to back, and while it was one of the most intense nitrous experiences that I ever got (I have prior experience with 4-5 cartridges), it felt like it potentiated the MXiPr only very weakly, which is strange. There is marked amnesia about the nitrous experience, and now as I am writing these words, I am actually not sure about the specifics of it. I remember thinking something like ‘lungs are your way of reproducing with the world’ or something, possibly triggered by some strange feeling when inhaling the gas, and I remember that the music sounded very distorted and somewhat ‘geometric’, whatever that means, but that’s about it.
I considered redosing MXiPr, but ultimately decided against it, at least for now. Hints of the sadness still remain, but it feels like it lost its power.
