Uncomfortable Introspection, Nihilistic Stimulation
|Name||Dosage||Route of Administration|
2 tabs each containing 1.5 mg DOB taken orally. Attempt to take them sublingually is foiled by their awful nauseating flavor.
Body load can definitely be felt. I feel “high” but in a stimulant sense. It’s an energetic feeling, like there is electricity coursing through my muscles.
Body load is much more noticeable. I am violently shaking and can’t sit in one position for more than 30 seconds. Visuals are starting to pick up a tiny bit, with everything appearing distant and oddly proportioned. There is a faint pattern, its colors shifting in constant flux, overlaying everything.
I decide to head outside. As I attempt to walk, I begin to feel a familiar feeling of lightweightedness; it’s as if my body is floating and gliding along. The hallway I walk down breathes and pulsates with a myriad of colors, 3d patterns adorning every wall. Every sound is amplified to the same volume and each flattened auditory particle echos into oblivion. One thing I note is that everything looks very blurry- it was hard to look closely and focus on things visually. Everything appears washed out and in high contrast too.
I meet up with a friend and we begin to walk around campus. It’s a very cold day but I cannot really feel it. I still feel as if I’m gliding along, and the bricks of the walkway beneath me dance and breathe and radiate colors. My friend goes inside to get weed and I wait outside. I am quite uncomfortable and I feel as if people are staring at me as they walk by.
We head off to go smoke. At this point the trip noticeably building, becoming stronger and stronger by the second. Conversation becomes awkward and hard to maintain as I start to grow overly critical of my own actions and try desperately to choose my words as carefully as possible. Everything I says ends up being an awkward jumble as I stumble over the words I try to remember thinking.
I am definitely peaking at this point. I start to drift away from my body as we’re walking, and reality begins to fall away around me. Everything is breathing and intensely adorned with vibrant patterns. The clouds in the sky flash and dance above me. I feel as if I am floating above my body, watching it walk down the street. The street is covered in fractals and flashing patterns that drift and twitch and dance, synchronized with the pulses of energy that have replaced my body. We reach our smoke spot and light up. This calms my shaking and body load a bit. The walk back is quiet and awkward- I struggle to maintain my composure as the trip grows ever stronger. Any attempts at conversation fail as I get distracted by every little bit of stimulus in my environment. Sound waves dance and echo around me and ricochet off each other creating a grand psychedelic cacophony.
My friend goes inside. I suddenly find myself alone in public, tripping extremely hard. I sit down on a bench and try not to attract attention to myself, but everyone walking by seems to be staring at me. This makes me very nervous, so I try to look as unassuming as possible. The sidewalk extends away from me into infinity. Every straight line is blurring and rippling. The trees are mirroring themselves and emitting rainbows. Every time I catch a snippet of someone’s conversation as they walk by, I focus intensely on what words I can catch. Everything feels so trivial, every little interaction with people and every little action we perform.
My mind is suddenly taken by a grand cynical specter. It distorts my thoughts into a cold, calculating, and critical analysis of the interactions of others- they all seem so superficial and trivial. I develop the idea that people interact not to interact with others but as a sort of game where people try to validate themselves by bouncing ideas, concepts, and words off each other in the hopes that they will gain approval. I begin to see social interaction as a bartering of validation. These racing, cynical, critical thoughts rage unabated.
I am getting very nervous and shaking a lot. I decide to walk back to my dorm. The walk back is just as scary as sitting on the bench was, and I try to pay attention to my numb body to make sure I’m not physically moving in a way that may draw negative attention to me. The cynicism is not just outward projections, it’s heavily internalized too. As much as I can criticize others, it feels wrong to do so without harshly berating myself.
I return to my dorm. It is delightfully warm inside and it calms me down a great deal to be back in the safety of my room, comfortable and alone save for my roommate. I try to go on the internet, but the triviality of the world scares me. I become critical of every little action of mine, fearful of how trivial everything I do is. I feel like nothing I do is worth anything unless it is grand or holds some grand significance. It’s like I have been poisoned with debilitating nihilism.
My roommate leaves to go get dinner. After trying to tackle my mental state for so long, I cherish the alone time and lie on my bed and close my eyes and listen to music. The torrent of thought and meditation and introspection is indescribable and impossible to put into words. The flowery fractals on my ceiling dance to the music as my racing thoughts calm down and the triviality of the world gives way to great beauty. Everything is wonderful and beautiful, everything is done with great intention, and although it may seem trivial, it is all connected and builds to something grand. I’m not sure what mental gymnastics I leapt through to experience a complete reversal of my mindset. Esoteric and evasive patterns crept through my mind, rewiring and restructuring everything in ways that were beyond my grasp.
I go out again and hang out with some friends while as I start to come down. Nothing to note here-visuals slowly and gradually died down and gave way to a wonderful afterglow. The shaking and body load persisted for quite a while but it wasn’t intrusive. The afterglow was one of happiness, energy, and confidence.
I go to sleep. The entire next day I felt completely worn and physically destroyed, sleeping until very late in the afternoon.