T1:15
Still feeling agitated and physically uncomfortable. This headspace is very lucid, I am definitely able to think clearly and interact with my environment. I am getting the typical phenethylamine high frequency twanging effect, to reiterate, imagine having a taut wire and then plucking it. Instead of slowing down as it vibrates it reverberates faster and faster, increasing in pitch and frequency. This is what was happening with my existence, little pockets of the fiber of reality twanging off at the corners of my being, visuals that feel like the room is closing in on me while simultaneously expanding and vibrating into a rippling infinity. The patterns are all definitely very warm colored.
I don’t know why this keeps happening but thoughts of violence and damage to my body begin to seep into the trip. I begin imagining what it must be like to receive a gunshot wound, whether it’s a bullet embedding in my flesh, or perhaps exiting out of the back of me with a spurt of dislodged flesh and blood, or perhaps it grazing me and picking off a chunk of flesh like a pickaxe chunking off a bit of rock. The thought of heavy metal shattering bone, or drilling its way through soft flesh looms over me. I think about all the flesh I am made of, how that flesh can come to pieces, how there is a solid skeleton and a weird membrane helping to hold all that flesh in place. The thoughts of this make me have an olfactory hallucination of the odor of blood hanging in the air. These thoughts are not particularly distressing or disturbing, they just enter my head matter of factly and demand my fixation. I am so grateful to have all my limbs and flesh and bones intact. I am so grateful I have never been grievously wounded.
The other violent fixation comes from a time when I was on 4-HO-MET and a friend sent me a video of someone stepping on a landmine. The thought of an explosion shredding my leg with shrapnel and spraying that shrapnel across my body haunts me, the thought of the flesh being torn to mangled ribbons, the bone being splintered and fractured and blasted across a distance, it sinks into my mind and I am perpetually remembering it, feeling a twang of pain in my legs, thinking about how lucky I am that I have legs that are intact and functional. This particular thought lingers well throughout the trip and into the next day. I cannot escape or ignore it.
