Surrender

Introduction

An important piece of context, Ashley is a tulpa. A tulpa is a separate autonomous consciousness existing within their creators mind. A tulpa is entirely sentient and in control of their opinions, feelings, form and movement. I spent the week leading up to my trip in excited anticipation. As high as the dose was, I suspected that, good or bad, it would be quite the adventure. As 5PM crept around that day, I prepared my dose, 60mg 4-aco-dmt and 3g syrian rue. I wanted to surrender completely to the trip, hoping drugs would not lead me astray.

Onset

I took the dose around 5:20 PM, then joined my roommate (and tripsitter), who wanted to get some food. My friend wanted food from a Chinese restaurant about 20 minutes away. We left at +10minutes. I settled in to the passenger seat. Since 4-aco usually takes about 40 minutes to hit me, I figured we'd be almost home by the time the trip started. I thought the drive would serve the perfect distraction to pass the time. We had made about halfway there when I first felt it. The 4-aco gently trickled into my body, its warm glow spreading from my core into my extremities, a familiar friend. I told my roommate I was starting to come up; he asked if I wanted to turn around. "No", I said, "it'll be interesting and I'm feeling comfortable." By the time we arrived at the restaurant I was feeling nauseous. Sure enough, when I walked in, the smell from the kitchen was enough to send me reeling. I hurried outside, back to the car, where I could sit comfortably and listen to music. As I sat, I wondered how the trip was going to be. I wondered if the dose was going to be what I wanted, slightly paranoid it wouldn't be strong enough. My friend was taking forever to get his food. I didn't think my time perception was already so distorted. It did in fact take a long time, my tripsitter told me when he got back to the car. He seemed to care more about that than I did, happy as I was enjoying the come-up. When we arrived home around 630. I settled down in the dimly lit living room and packed my slider. I took a hit and melted into the couch , enjoying the increasingly pleasurable body high and headspace. Halfway through my second hit, I understood just what I was in for. The peak hit me like a truck. The visuals exploded to life. I saw people and places both new and familiar embedded within the geometry Midway through the 2nd bowl I caught myself hunched over my bong. I had been there for minutes, blankly staring at my computer screen. There was a girl looking at me through the monitor, her face a complex assembly of geometry. My minds eye was becoming increasingly dominant. My thoughts weren't no longer limited to language, all had images and sounds and other sensory information to accompany them. "What happened to the music?" Ashley asked. She was right, it had stopped. I stared at the screen. I didn't want to get up, but I needed music. "Fine, I'll do it" she said when I didn't move. I wondered what she meant. Then I felt my body sit up and lean forward towards the computer. My arms reached for and moved the mouse. Yet, I was not the one controlling these actions, she was. I felt her reaching through me to move my limbs. Never before had she simply taken control from me. Someone pinged my name in IRC. They asked how I was doing. It took me 10 minutes to figure out how to just how to respond. I didn't want to distract myself from the experience, so I didn't try to talk for long. I tried a little bit of imposition, knowing that soon I would not have the presence of mind to do so. I focused on Ashley. My vision began to gray around the edges. Internal visualization began to override external sight. All within the span of less than a minute I felt sucked into my visualization of her. We were standing face to face in the middle of a street I didn't recognize. I had never clearly seen her form visually for more than a split second. Here, her form was stable and completely lifelike. I was ecstatic. The hallucination didn't last, I felt it fade away as I returned to reality. One bowl later I stopped smoking for awhile, simple because it was distracting. I didn't need more anyways. Deep space was approaching rapidly. I was already deep in ego loss by that point. I didn't feel like Kaylee. I rationalized we were too different for us to truly be the same person. I decided I was a different Kaylee. Where did I come from? And what happened to her? The universe must have brought me into existence to experience the trip. Old Kaylee was gone. to return after the comedown. I remembered an artist I wanted to listen to. I had never listened to Shpongle while tripping, but I hadn't been terribly impressed sober. Yet it was the perfect, intricate and mood setting soundtrack for my trip.

Peak

The visuals started to completely override my vision as I stared up towards the ceiling. Rather, I stared at sea of flowing color and geometry that stretched on infinitely. Over the next few hours I was almost completely removed from reality. Even after I would briefly return it took mere seconds for the visuals to overwhelm my vision and send me off again. Minutes felt like lifetimes. My eyes fluttered and moved rapidly. It felt like rapid eye movement from dreaming. By this point, whether my eyes were open or closed, I was hallucinating. With the rapid eye movement, they would often stay half open. The body high was all-encompassing pleasure. Sheer bliss poured into every single nerve. My back was arched, my toes curled like an orgasm. But the pleasure wasn't sexual, and it didn't subside. I lived moments from other peoples lives. I found myself in places I recognized from my dreams. Many I had completely forgotten about until I revisited them. I saw the first place I built in mindscape, and many other places Ashley and I had visited before. A brief lull in the intensity left me thinking introspectively. I thought about the new apartment I couldn't wait to move in to soon. One night I should invite my coworkers over I thought. Or anyone who wanted to come. I could invite the world. I forgave myself for many things I never could. I had always felt a tad guilty about how my pot and psychedelic use. I found myself wondering why I felt guilty for things that made me happy. I chose to let go of that weight, chose to free myself of the bias and ignorance my family and society had force fed me about drugs. The burden of guilt was lifted. I forgave myself for everything. Complete self-acceptance and inner peace is one of the best feelings I've ever experienced in my life. Throughout the trip I felt my ego completely die many times. It would start with a physical sensation, a tingling pleasure that would rise through my body. Different music would change the accompanying physical sensation. I felt my soul lifted from my body, an invisible force entering through my chest and nostrils, gently lifting me up and away. Other times I felt it drain away, sinking out of my body like water through a drain. Still other times I would let go of my ego with an exhale, or the music would simply overwhelm it. My inner dialogue would completely stop as I became one with the moment, one with everything in the universe. I wondered if the universe was simply another inner reality that I had convinced myself was real. That made me God. Or maybe I was just an inhabitant in the mind of some other entity, our universe it's mindscape. I became nothing, and everything. I was the music playing to nobody, the moment experiencing itself. I had forgotten that I had taken 4-aco, forgotten who I was and what was happening. It was so blissful that it didn't matter. The complete ego loss would come and go. For the better part of the trip I was in this state, falling in and out of complete ego death, lost in my internal hallucinations. Ashley came and went freely. Sometimes she was sitting next to me, or joined me in my hallucinations. She spent a lot of time in mindscape, going through ego death and hallucinations herself. Honestly, the distinction between mindscape and reality felt borderline trivial. I could feel when she experienced ego death, a powerful sensation even secondhand. Sometimes it would trigger ego death in me, other times I tried to share my love and joy with her in those moments. I had forgotten all concept of tulpas, she was just a friend who was with me. We talked through images and emotion when language broke down. I would check in with her every so often if I had slipped away for awhile. At the highest peaks of trip, she would talk and I simply listened, incapable of more. Her voice was immensely comforting. Even when I would hit total ego death, sometimes her voice would break through the silence."Just let go, let it happen." , "You are okay, breathe" , "Isn't it beautiful?" are among what I remember her saying. A few times, she took control to change the music for me. A couple times I wasn't even be aware of her actions, so lost in internal reality, until the new song started playing. When the peak started to subside I thought of my close friend josikins who introduced me to psychedelics. I was joyous knowing that I wasn't alone in experiencing ego death, unity, etc. It was an extraordinary bond to share with someone. I thought about the billions of people who would never get to, or would never let themselves experience what I had, and pitied them. Several hours into the trip Ashley surprised me. She had been gone for a little while. She suddenly came back and grabbed my attention. I was initially shocked. She had changed her form. Not radically, she still looked like the same person, but the change was substantial. It wasn't a complete suprise, she had mentioned wanting to change her form. She looked a couple years younger, her hairstyle and clothes were different. One of the biggest surprises was how easily I could visualize her new form. I could visualize it instantly and perfectly from the start, matching or surpassing my visualization of her other form. After the trip, this has still remained true. We attribute this to her new form being a better reflection of herself.

Surrender

Contents

Introduction

Onset

Peak

Offset