My fourth experience with unity
|Setting:||A cabin deep within the mountain forests of eastern Washington, with two other friends who were also tripping.|
|Medications:||8mg estradiol / 300mg spironolactone|
|Name||Dosage||Route of Administration|
I took the 100mg capsule of 100mg of 4-HO-MET, I’m sitting around a campfire outside of a cabin in the mountain forests of eastern Washington. One friend is tripping on 500ug of LSD with 60mg of 4-ho-met, and the other has taken 300ug of LSD with 50mg of 4-ho-met. I had taken 60mg of this substance just three days earlier so assumed that this experience would be around the equivalent of 70mg due to my tolerance.
I’m feeling a slight soft tryptamine body high.
I’m noticing patterns and textures more intensely than I usually would.
My body-high has moved from subtle to the high end of distinct. I’m also getting dry mouth.
I’m experiencing sedation and cognitive suppressions. The music sounds excellent and the campfire is mesmerising.
I’m experiencing colour enhancements with subtle drifting and low-level geometry.
I’m laughing intensely at things which I would not usually find nearly as funny as I am currently finding them.
I’m getting strong geometry, my short-term memory is suppressed, and I am having trouble focusing on basic tasks such as writing and engaging in conversation. I’m beginning to feel very introspective and quiet.
I’m yawning, weirdly salivating, and I keep needing to spit on the ground because I’m producing so much saliva. I also noticed that my mouth tastes weird in an unpleasant way.
My friend stupidly put a bunch of mud and grass on top of the campfire as a “hilarious joke”, it produced so much smoke that I felt lightheaded and decided to go sit inside by myself.
|7:10 pm :|
while sitting inside I messaged my girlfriends and my friend on my phone to tell them I love them. I was getting powerful geometry which looked deeper and more complex regarding its structure and detail in comparison to my previous dosage of 50mg which I had taken four days earlier. I felt fortunate to have been able to visit such a beautiful place and felt a sincere appreciation for my life, my loved ones, and nature.
I’d spent the last hour talking to a male friend on discord who I’ve recently been developing romantic feelings towards. I was feeling uncomfortable, and he was keeping me company and calming me down. I spontaneously started getting the sensation that my consciousness was “ageing backwards” and that I was regressing into a younger age. I felt more childlike and felt that my vocabulary was simplifying. The world around also me seemed new and unfamiliar. It made me feel incredibly uncomfortable in a way that was difficult to define.
This regression process continued to happen over a roughly half-hour period. I regressed into a preteen, a child, a toddler, a fetus, and finally into I regressed so far back that I felt as I had reached a stage before ever having even been born. When I arrived at this state which I interpreted as age “0”, I was overwhelmed with a sense of unity between my self and the entire totality of existence. I suddenly had the feeling that I had been regressed into a primordial and more basic state which precedes a humans existence. I felt that as a child grows and learns a language, they begin to separate the world around them into symbolic labels, concepts, and subconcepts. As this skill becomes increasingly ingrained into their cognitive functioning, the child can no longer step outside of it and are stuck within a system of thought that inherently separates the external environment into individual concepts which in actuality, are intrinsically unified and co-dependent upon one another. These sensations reminded me of “oceanic feeling” which is a very similar hypothesis that was posited by Freud.
I had never experience personality regression before and felt very overwhelmed and frightened, I thought that the regression was somehow related to the recent death of my father as if the unexpected loss of a parental figure had triggered something inside of me during this trip and left me feeling like an incredibly vulnerable child.
After this experience, I began to progress upwards back through the ages slowly. I felt like a rapidly ageing newborn baby that had been pushed into a frightening and unfamiliar world with no knowledge of survival or concepts.
I felt that the universe was a system of exponential self-complexification which has the primary purpose of striving towards ever higher levels of order and interconnectedness. I felt that as a means to fulfil this goal, it seemed that the universe subtly arranged situations to occur with a predisposition of increasing the likelihood of furthering this process. As a by-product of this, I felt that concepts such as synchronicity, plot elements, and coincidences were hardcoded into the fabric of existence.
I began to regain my cognitive faculties slowly and laid there for a while before heading downstairs and rejoining my friends who were tripping in darkness in the living room. I talked with them and began to feel normal again; however, I was still very on edge, stimulated, and anxious about the overwhelming experience I had just undergone.
I decided to take 2mg of etizolam because the anxiety would not subside, I felt sad and anxious about the death of my dad, which until this trip had not exactly been on my mind recently. The etizolam calmed me down, and I spent the rest of my evening laughing and joking with my friends while discussing plans for EffectIndex and DoseBot.
I woke up and felt tired but also strangely refreshed. The trip has not affected my cognitive abilities, and there is no hangover, unlike many other psychedelics.
Conclusion / Aftermath
I cannot believe I experienced unity twice in one week after not undergoing it for well over four years. It was completely unexpected. Although I may be wrong, I get the feeling that I will not experience unity again until I am in the next chapter of my life, probably sometime in my early 30’s.
This trip was by far the most uncomfortable and sinister state of unity which I have experienced so far. During the trip, I felt that it was threatening due to the way in which it was intrinsically tied into personality regression that felt as if it was triggered by recalling the recent death of my father.
As a result of this trip, I will be expanding upon the personality regression subjective effect article and researching the developmental psychology of identity and language within children.
Thanks for reading.