T1:11
I feel on edge, like something is creeping up my spine. I am falling into the stomach of a deep deep hole, there is a persistent sense of sinking. I am caught off guard by the sudden intensity of this experience.
I have distinct closed eyed visuals of distant murky skyscrapers encircling the immense swallowing void that I am descending into. Bits and pieces of recent memories float by, visual cues of places I had been earlier that day and the day before, of the sights I saw and the feelings I felt. I feel like I am treading water in the middle of a vast ocean, these little flecks of memory like pieces of flotsam after a shipwreck, drifting by on the currents. Most notably however, memories from far before begin to trickle in too, in even greater clarity than the recent ones, vivid experiences from my teenage years, of who I was and how I felt through my tumultuous and awkward puberty. It is pleasant to see and acknowledge and dance with these deeply buried memories, to know that they are still deep within my brain somewhere. But it is fleeting, they drift by like all the others in this big empty current and my cognitive function is so disrupted that I feel like I can’t really give them full consideration, just aimlessly grope around their essence.
With my eyes open it looks like everything is flashing, just relentlessly strobing like seeing the lights of an emergency vehicle cast on a brick wall. I am just a quiet witness to this. Broad stripes of color and discolor steadily march down my vision, all of it feels so matter of fact and beyond my control. There are strong notable flashing afterimages when I close my eyes.
Most of the dissociation is centered on my skull now, it feels like a weighted object floating in the void. The bodily dissociation is an afterthought, there’s none of the intense active disintegration of feeling, but rather simply a stark and blank absence of sensing my body at all. It feels as though the lower half of my body is just unraveling and streaming away. Nonetheless, if I want to get up and move I can with little trouble, walking up and down stairs to refill my water is slightly confusing but not as challenging as it is with other heavy doses of dissociatives. I would for the most part describe it as a sedating sensation, where I can really only move if I force myself to. Otherwise I am still, dead weight, feeling little motivation to do more than lie there like a ragdoll. My body feels like a mannequin that doesn’t actually belong to me, just some limp form my mind is appended to. I feel like I’m tripping over my words as I type, it is hard to recall how to use them properly. It is a very empty and confusing space that I am embedded in.
T1:30
I feel so numb and burned. I feel so uncomfortable but I can’t piece together coherent enough thoughts to define why that is. It is just a visceral essence of something being off. With my eyes closed I have visions of a vast, indistinct space, huge and dim and empty and swirling at its borders in muted tones of violet and maroon. I listen to music but the visuals are not very synesthetic, there is this ultimate sense of just being at the mercy of the flow of this trip, like bobbing on an unstable raft in a middle of a wide river. My body continues to swirl and wind away, negated into absence without issue or distinction, just quiet and neutral and natural and gentle. It feels like ghosts are moving around me, just a sense of some fluttering other brushing me, but it is invisible and indistinct, as everything in this experience is, a huge voluminous phantom with nothing at its core. Everything is so distinctly smoothed down like it has been sanded, no sharp edges, no punctuated anything, just broad heavy and flat neutrality. Vividly grey emptiness. It is neither warm nor cold, it is not active or passive, it just is, quietly and indistinctly. It evades identification, like a face seen in a dream formed from so many faces seen before. It is elusive in its vacuity.
I’m so dizzy, it genuinely feels like things are spilling out of my brain. I am so confused and lost and adrift, I am frozen in place by the incapacitating empty nonsense of this. My brain is so used to forming thoughts, making sense of things, and all of that has been frozen. Now there is nothing to do, nothing to know. All I can do is just exist.
T1:43
I feel like I have to jettison something from myself, but continuing the theme of having no clear chain of thought I can’t figure out what it is. I don’t feel so nauseous that I need to throw up or anything. It just feels like something is a part of me that shouldn’t be right now, but I can’t identify it. This entire experience is sensations fleeing from the light like cockroaches, leaving a distilled emptiness behind them. I am a sponge, full of holes, vacuous while the world flows through me, my outer boundaries fractalizing and splitting off to form a dense tunnel that I continue to hurtle down the gullet of. It comes in sickly waves and ripples, slow and still, stalking me like a vengeful phantom. There is no energy behind this, rather it is the sensation of a vacuum being filled in by its surroundings. The visuals, always distant and blurry, begin to form into large blocks that assemble and trail off into nothing, always aimless, always slow and steady. It hangs over me like a ghost carving a hollow out of my mind. With my eyes open I mostly just see shifting colors in muted tones, my vision is blurry and tunneled.
It is still felt mostly in my skull, it feels like my face is wrapped tightly with a wet cloth. I try to piece things together, I try to form an idea of this experience but it keeps coming back to feeling blank. It’s always just blank. Even trying to form thoughts just feels like so much work, it feels like rolling an immense boulder up a hill with little reward. I shouldn’t even bother, I should just sit there and stare at nothing and ride this out. My jaw is mostly just resting open and agape, because that’s easiest. Every aspect of myself right now is the path of least resistance. It’s hard to make sense of any images or text I see at this point, I am just an empty computer with inputs splashing aimlessly against its screen. I just feel so lazy.
T2:00
The dissociation feels so wet, it is slow and boring and hugging the ground like a dense fog. I just feel like I’m sinking more and more even the more distinct bits of the experience, the silhouettes in the fog and the distant visible images begin to strip away and flutter off into a vast nothing. I am soaking in a tub of nothing, I am continually sinking.
