Was feeling very depressed that night. Did 3-MeO-PCP the night before. Felt stressed out and stricken with some hardcore shame and self-loathing that more or less arose from nowhere. Crushed up and insufflated the chemical.

While coming up decide to turn the almost instant manic energy into a frantic scribbling of my favorite poem/spoken word piece (I have a very special plan for this world by Thomas Ligotti, read by David Tibet of Current 93). I end up with three pages saturated with illegible scribbling, it looks like the sorta creepy shit pasted on the wall of a ‘crazy’ character in a movie. I feel like this absurd surreal and absolutely bleak madness is the threshold of a deep abyss which I am about to plunge into.

Have been coming up for a while now. Feeling numb and warm, the usual. Want to take it further though, I feel almost disappointed in how shallow I am in the trip. Decide to smoke a bowl out of my DMT pipe. I’m not sure if the DMT residue had any effect on this or was responsible in any way, there honestly probably wasn’t too much in the pipe. I also took 2 hits from the gravity bong.

This is it. I did it, I did it right. I am absolutely blasted away, this isn’t the mania I was warned about when pushing the limits with this drug though. This is something else. First thing I notice is in the body- almost total anesthesia, my body just completely faded. This is cool, this is good. I am having that feeling of “I could move if I really tried but I just don’t want to, I have no reason to”, so I don’t move, at all. Breathing is becoming heavy and deliberate. This feels like the verge of any dissociative hole. Here it comes! I decide to put on the audio version of the aforementioned poem to guide me into the dark.

I am in the hole. Just completely sunk. I close my eyes and suddenly I am transported. This feels more energetic and manic then other dissociative holes. Ketamine is like a great void. MXE is a colorful adventure where I drift through scapes. DXM is weird as fuckall and filled with amnesia and fragments of memories. MXM was coherent memories, and MXP was being vibrated into incoherent waves. But this, this feels like the aether around me is in perpetual and frantic motion. It feels like the boundaries of the hole are in perpetual flux, constantly self-transforming and moving. If I were to give it a characteristic color, it would be dull warm colors. Dull oranges, rust, maroons, browns, crimsons, mahogany. My surroundings felt toothy and sharp, and accented with smaller concentric shapes within. On all sides of me were spinning gears, toothy conveyors, twitching and morphing monoliths with angular borders. Not a single soft edge or corner was in sight, it was all very sharp and angular. It was like being in a jungle of shapes, some huge, some small, but all were in frantic motion. It felt like I was not drifting through this space, rather sitting completely still and having it move around me. This space was mindless yet warm. It was not the cold sterility of ketamine, but also not the warm adventurousness of MXE. It was certainly sterile, but it wasn’t cold, it wasn’t that dissociative feeling of having consumed some chemical ice. The motion and energy of the surroundings seemed to give off a sterile warmth, like a toaster oven or the coils of a space heater or the heat from a car engine.

This was a relatively short hole. After about half an hour I am completely unable to return to it. It is at this moment that some strange cosmic coincidence struck. My friend (also the only other person I know who is so into 3-MeO-PCP) messages me. He said he has just managed to hole on the substance for the first time. We strike up conversation and compare notes. Really strange that we just completely uncoordinatedly did this at the same time. I hope he wasn’t driven to it by a fit of depression. I forget his circumstances, if I recall correctly he achieved it by stacking doses with some weed potentiation. We both had similar duration, and the visual aspect was of a similar nature for both of us-toothy and angular. Very very interesting. I am feeling so stoked, I haven’t read much about holing on this substance on the internet. I feel like I have broken down a barrier, explored a new frontier. I am so hype and so weirdly proud of myself. I decide to follow up with a personal project-Sorting a sample of insect specimens collected in a trap that I received from a museum where I used to work. This is a blast, I feel so happy pursuing something I love, and then there is the social and arrogant aspect of it, that I am doing something unique that will make me look interesting and appealing. All I want to do is appear unique, to receive validation to counter the emptiness and self-loathing so deeply rooted in my mind.

A friend contacts me. She is a bit drunk and in a very very bad place mentally. She needs a physical presence. I fear I will be too fucked up to properly provide any sort of support or kindness but whatever. She comes over and I find myself lacking a voice. As in I can only speak very quietly and meekly. I feel so shy and afraid. I feel like I am failing to be a good friend and good support, and its just pushing me further down into a hole of meekness and weakness. After smoking some more and talking for a while I get my voice and mania back. I feel warm and confident. I hope I was able to help and provide positive energy and positive spirit.

Fall asleep. Was still feeling dissociated when I went to bed. Woke up feeling nothing out of the ordinary the next morning.