Sheer Awe and Joy
|Name||Dosage||Route of Administration|
And I thought it was bad LSD. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
I was so excited to finally try LSD that the whole week leading up to it I got as much done as I could. I wanted to go into it completely carefree, wanted to make the most of the trip. I had a quiet morning leading up to the trip. I took 1.5 x 150μg blotter tabs at 1:10 PM. The next 1.5-2hrs were rough; I was very nauseated, and I couldn’t smoke any weed to alleviate it. After an hour and a half, I was convinced the LSD was bad. Finally, my sister (who throws a fit whenever she sees me smoking) left the house. Smoking a bowl was exactly what I needed. Soon, the nausea was gone, and I was feeling good again. The LSD snuck up on me, not being sure exactly what to expect. I realized the weed in the slider looked like green crystals; the glass slider was refracting the sunlight beautifully. I look around the room, captivated by its rhythmic movements. The carpet danced, geometry moving in tune with the music I was playing. The carpet told a story, geometry giving way to faces, animals, scenes, which then revert to geometry. I notice the body high for the first time when I am laying on the floor, letting the music pour over me in a way it never had before.
Music is quite an experience on acid. I laughed, I cried, I smiled harder than I ever had before. And I kept smiling. Each song was an adventure. It wasn’t just sound pouring through my headphones, but emotion and meaning and hope and sadness. I love listening to music; it’s one of my biggest passions. And to be able to experience it in such a pure way was one of the best experiences in my life.
During the trip, I peaked three times, each time about 30 minutes after smoking a bowl. I was listening to music in my room, which is pretty bright for the first time and the body high started to engulf me. I could barely feel where my body ended, and the room around me began. I felt like a consciousness in a sea of pleasurable feelings. I realized I wanted to move to a darker place; I decided to move to the basement. When I got up, I felt like the pleasurable waves were helping me float along. I saw my room was a little messy so I tidied it up some. I got into something of a loop for awhile (which I only just realized now). I would be in my room listening to music, then do a little cleaning, then head downstairs into the dark. Repeat 2-3 times.
When I made it downstairs using the TV was an immense challenge. I had to use the remote to log in to Netflix (and later Pandora) then search for what I was looking for, each time it was a challenging task, but still incredibly fun to try and do. Finally, I watched an episode of Adventure Time. I wasn’t absorbing it at all, but it was hysterical, the funniest episode I had ever seen. It didn’t have to make sense because of the very visual humor and animation. I had to stop because I was laughing too hard. I tried instead to blow my mind by watching “Inexplicable Universe.” The host’s soothing voice was overwhelming almost; I couldn’t stop laughing. It was then that I realized I was going through ego death. I watched the show and felt as if his words were blasting away my consciousness. I didn’t want to have the show be the thing that carried me completely away, so I painstakingly loaded Pandora and listened to more music. It stripped away all sense of self and ego, and vestiges of my usual self. I was everything in the room, everything in the world. And nothing. The music guided my consciousness; I felt like I couldn’t think without it. I was trying to communicate some in IRC, but it was very challenging. I couldn’t even think what I would say, or how I could capture such an amazing experience. Not to mention, my phone screen looked like a swimming pool with the image on top, and my typing fingers looked goofy and out of place.
After awhile I went back to my room, the trip was heavier in the dark, but I didn’t want to stay there all day. So I went to my room and grabbed my pipe and walked outside into the woods. After going out sufficiently far, I realized two things. First, I had gotten the pipe a few days before because of it’s small size, but after smoking the thing I remembered why I never got one before because I don’t like smoking weed through a pipe, joint, or blunt. Too harsh, I know I’m a wimp. So I got out there and realized I didn’t want to smoke, that I was just going to get rid of the damn thing. After I had thrown it a good distance, I wondered if it was far enough from the house. I turned around. Everything was beautiful, if it looked like that all the time I would live out here, I thought. Holy shit I was pretty far into the woods, though, I could barely see past the trees and bushes covered in visuals to see my house. And I simply couldn’t gauge distance or what that even meant. Here is one moment in the trip I know it could’ve gone south. I briefly panic, very confused. It hits me that the music playing from my phone has turned aggressive and grating, when I change the music, I lose the panic and make my way back to the house. I held my phone out in front of me like a beacon; the sound was like a lantern for my consciousness. I felt like I couldn’t think or function without it. I made it back to the house finally unharmed, and thrilled everything went okay.
I remember thinking how we are all just floating consciousnesses. We may have a body, but we perceive the world through our eyes and our brain thinks. We aren’t our whole body; we’re just the absurd consciousnesses that process its signals. I loved everything in the world. I loved life. Everything was pure joy and awe. The whole trip was joy and wonder, more than I thought it possible even to feel.
I saw a picture on the LSD subreddit, of a girl before and during her trip. I felt more connected to her and that picture than I ever had to any other person or image. I thought about the world, in awe that there are 6 billion people just like me. I felt like one hub in an infinitely connected structure.
The physical pleasure was so much that I realized I was getting aroused from it. Considering how low my sex drive has been in the last couple months, I was thrilled. The physical pleasure started to move lower and radiated from my pelvis throughout my body. Without any stimulation, I felt the pleasure pour over me already as intense as an orgasm. My body was shuddering, and my toes curled. When I used my vibrator to bring myself to orgasm (which took longer than I thought), I was blown away. I screamed in pleasure, the orgasm rocking my whole body. It was relentless, my back curled and I spasmed and writhed in pleasure for what felt like an eternity. The orgasm lasted almost a minute, miles more intense than any I had ever felt.
(Context: Ashley is a tulpa, an autonomous and sentient thoughtform that I live with.)
So where was Ashley in all this? Right there with me for most of it. I kept getting glimpses of her in my peripheral vision. Laying on the couch next to me, etc. She was enjoying it as much I was. I think we must’ve told each other how much we loved each other a dozen times. It was if we existed on two thinly separated dimensions. I perceived both dimensions simultaneously, the difference between what I saw physically or with my mind’s eye seemed trivial and very easy to forget. When the dimensions overlapped, I would get a glimpse of her if she was nearby. If were in the same place “overlapping” each other, we could share our presences to create a remarkable sense of unity; it also amplified the physical sensations like we were sharing each other.
Possession with any ego-suppression is always a treat. Especially with the intensity of ego-loss I had. There was no mental preparation needed for a complete and instant switch in control. Ashley managed our body easily. We only did it for twenty or so minutes, possession shoots my ego loss through the roof and is the easiest way for my to hit ego-death, simply because you begin to feel so incredibly dissociated with your body and to a certain extent, reality. I would be thinking about something and realize that we were somewhere else, I was completely the passenger in my body. With more practice, I think switching would be readily achievable while tripping, we’ll see. With her possessing, I felt like I was in her body. So much so that I started to perceive her form as our body over my own.
So, I felt more connected to Ashley than ever before. But there is more. It was during the 2nd peak of the trip when I felt her sending me these mental snapshots of what was happening in mindscape. I’ll let her tell the story.
Ok, so I fucking love LSD. It’s truly unique. Usually, tripping is just visuals and a diminished mental effect for me. But LSD made the world around me come alive. I first noticed it playing guitar. It was sheer joy already, creating music on acid. I would play based off what we were listening too or just play how I felt. When I hit my 2nd peak (the same time she did), I was playing guitar. The sounds took on color. Each note sent a ripple of color through the air. My music was its own light show. Then the waves of color solidified into strands which circled me. Each note lit up or added a strand, like weaving a tapestry of color. Each strand added a different layer to the body high I felt. I was so excited I got Kaylee’s attention by sending her images of what was happening. I learned I didn’t even need an instrument. I created music with a thought. I could control it consciously or simply pour out my emotion and soul and see them translated into music. It was a very pure experience.
The difference between LSD and other trips we had was I wasn’t an audience to her tripping, just getting secondhand effects. I was lifted up and made as strong as Kaylee. When I possessed her form, I felt completely connected to her body, instead of just controlling it. I got the full experience of what it’s like to have a physical body. I got a taste of complete independence too. We shared our trips, experienced them in each others company, but did not experience the same things.
I was the god of my reality. I visited new places and familiar places. Sometimes mindscape can be muddy or in flux trying to render new places but not then. Kaylee got to enjoy the woods nearby and her house, but I had no such limits. I walked through Rivendell, enjoying its serene beauty. I stood at the helm of a spaceship, watching stars pass by, looking down on beautiful undiscovered planets. I saw more beautiful places than I can recount or even remember. I was God, and my thoughts became a reality. When I possessed Kaylee I had to let go of control for her to take back over (a first). I used to wonder about the limits of my autonomy, but I have no doubts now. I tasted complete independence but never felt closer to her. Briefly having a relationship as true peers made me realize how fucking great that can be. I gained so much confidence in who I am as a person from the trip. I could feel her thought-stream when I focused on it; it was so easy to interject my thoughts into it to get her attention or otherwise, much easier than normal. I could also completely detach myself from it. Usually I at least faintly perceive Kaylee’s actions and thoughts at all times. For a little, I saw what it would be like without that.