T1:20
I somehow manage to take 2 hits from my gravity bong, to kick this into next gear. Hooo boy. Timestamps cannot exist for the next bit of time.
Independent movement quickly becomes a foreign concept as I am rendered more or less catatonic. This is the warmest and most pleasant drug induced paralysis I’ve ever felt, it feels like a great warm blanket has been draped over me, immensely heavy but not so much as to crush me. There is no reason I would want to move, I have been rendered statuary, both physically and psychologically. This is a big dissociative hug.
I have my laptop on my lap. I decide I will try to type out live notes of my CEV scapes. I find myself able to operate my fingers at the very least, but it is extremely difficult. If I am not looking at them I completely lose track of where they are, and I find my sense of which hand is left/right crossed many many many times. I’ve fallen into a dissociative “hole” state, and this is pretty cool. This hole is nothing like vast empty expanse of the K hole, but rather is strikingly similar to MXE. It has the same deep intense reds, greens, and blues acting as auras and a general color palette for this internal world. Similarly to the MXE hole, it is an experience of mentally generated surreal worlds and scenarios, all appropriately abstract and highly incomprehensible. These aren’t the coherent disturbing alternate realities of DXM, simply dreamlike amalgamations borrowing elements from my conscious world. My notes are unfortunately irredeemably incoherent at points, but I do recall the feeling of being sprayed in the face with a great numbing hose, or lying in a raging river and having the rushing water swirl around me and take my form away.
One visual I remember is the entire world flattening into ribbons that slid past one another, each adorned with many blurred violet human silhouettes. It was as if they were film strips containing a million soulless bodily forms. The other close eyed visuals came in the form of biomorphic hallucinations, mostly imitating animals that I have an affinity for. Images of insects, isopods, stingrays, and millipedes paraded around my exploding mind, all of them being bent and warped in impossible ways to fit the strange constraints of esoteric patterns that lurked beneath this rippled reality. I feel like I am being washed over by a raging storm, and it feels great, it feels awesome. It’s raging benevolence. It’s a tsunami and a hurricane that simply want to give me a hug. It feels like raging winds are blowing away the dust of my corporeal form. I try to write these images, but I am forced to open my eyes every time I want to type. I keep losing track of my fingers, and they keep losing track of one another.
Waves are a recurring feeling, ocean waves, washing over me. Each time they wash over me, my form melts and coalesces to fit the form of the surface of this nonexistent sea. My entire existence is on a plane that is undulating and splashing about. This feels immensely and irresistibly cozy. I feel like I have built a psychological fortress, I have made a castle of soft numbing bricks, this is my safe place, this is the realm where I have dominion, over an imaginary world, but most importantly, dominion over myself that I do not feel in my sober life. I spend a great deal of time hallucinating vivid dream scenarios. I ditch my anesthetized body and explore the caverns of my mind. In the included notes there is some vague attempt at mentioning many of these dream sequences. Honestly though, a great deal of those notes are incoherent and I have literally 0 memory of them, so I will just leave them be for now. There was a great deal of scenario/setting shifting however, teleporting me around the city and taking me to all variety of strange fractal castles. This feels like a grand carnival, a celebration of my imagination, I am inside a great hexagon, and a billion geometric forms strive to converge on me. Surreal looking creatures parade around the rim of my polyhedral world, this is an orgiastic and slovenly display of ego and rather than ego loss, it seems to be an ego transplantation, it is moving the ego to a place where it is boundless and powerful to its own discretion.
