Dosed the LSD, smoked weed, then headed to the shower to blast off :)

I wish I had more timestamps after this, but I didn’t have a good grasp of what the numbers on the clock meant and why they would be so important to me until five hours after taking the LSD.

This is the most intense part and I hardly remember any of it! It felt like something crazy was going to happen and the LSD was slowly easing me into this so I would be as comfortable as possible. I started peaking in the shower. My thoughts got crazy and then everything got so intense that I had to sit down. I had close eye visuals of visually impossible patterns or optical illusions. Everything felt so fucking trippy and I was loving every second of it. My thoughts start heading towards ego death. I start having regrets, thinking I am not so sure I am ready after all, but then I realize this is something that no human being can ever be ready for and I decide it’s now or never and I realize I have never been more ready in my life.

I begin to go into different trances where I am given knowledge that is felt as a “truth.” After I come down from the trances, I am only able to remember specific keywords. As the experience is not translatable to English, I can only try my best. Here is what happened: I feel like time has stopped completely. I let the hot water rain onto my face while sitting down in the shower and tried to relax and let my ego die but it was such a strange feeling. This was the only point I ever felt overwhelmed during the trip as I didn’t know how far I was going to go at this point, but it was only for a split second. My face hits the hottest part of the shower water and the sudden heat reminds me of the idea of hell. I hesitate as I catch a glimpse into what I imagine ego death to be. I can no longer feel my body and I feel like I’m starting to fall straight into hell and I am aware that this drug could bring me to hell as it has brought others to hell and it would be more real and longer lasting than anything I have ever experienced sober. But then I realize that ego death means the end of myself which means there can be no fear. And then I’m not scared of death at all anymore and realize I never would be again and I try to let go. I remember thinking “would I be so scared of ego death if the overwhelming feeling I feel right now was replaced with feelings of peace and happiness?” I decided that I wouldn’t be scared at all so I stopped being afraid. The fact that I hesitated for a second, but decided to attempt ego death anyway, was very important part of the trip.

I am back with my body at this point, but I still want ego death. Everything is a bit confusing, but I have a feeling that I will have more control next time. So I sit and close my eyes and attempt to switch points of view with a random drop of shower water just to see if that could send me into ego death. Something weird/hilarious happens when I try to do this and I start cracking up. And then it felt like I died and was born and my birth was the beginning of the universe and then I got another glimpse into complete ego death (sorry, I can’t describe this yet, I barely remember and I can only remember specific keywords!! I’ll try to describe it better next time). It was a completely different level and it was so intense that I hesitated again. I begin to enter into some kind of dreamlike vision that is a total different level of tripping than I am used to. I was going to BECOME the vision. I had no body. The vision starts out in ancient Egypt. I was so certain at the time that it was Egypt! I felt like I was beginning to live the life of an Egyptian girl from the past, but it was only for a split second then I am brought back into my physical body. I felt that by starting to show me this, lsd was trying to teach me a lesson or tell me a mystical, religious, or spiritual story. It was a feature of the lsd. I got the feeling that the vision was going to be about how religion came about, but I have no proof of this as I never finished or even began the vision because I hesitated for a second time when I stopped feeling my body. Because I hesitated, I was not able to go any farther into the vision.

I experienced another delusional “truth” that either because I hesitated twice when I tried to go into complete ego death or because of random chance or both, I was going to chase after ego death the entire trip and never reach it but I had to try anyways (so much more complicated than this though). This was an extremely euphoric moment and I didn’t mind that I had to chase ego death as I was still having a fantastic trip already and the intensity level was perfect. I had to chase after ego death so that I knew that I really wanted ego death so that I could go deeper.

After I stop peaking, I get out of the shower and go back to my room to get dressed. I decide to take a walk on State Street while I wait for my next peak. I had extremely profound thoughts and the removal of the cultural filter. I can’t even begin to explain what I felt or thought, but it was the greatest walk of my life. I never feel confused on acid like I sometimes do on shrooms. With mushrooms, you are the passenger, but with LSD you are the driver.

While walking down State Street I felt like I was an alien learning how to be human again. I felt like an alien being welcomed into a strange new land and then I realized that this land was not so alien after all! It was built just for me! And I had created it! It was all mine! I was so happy!

After walking down State Street a few times, I have a delusion that today is the day that either I die and am reborn or I almost die and am almost reborn but miss it. I realize that I am starting to peak upwards again and decide to head to my house to peak in the shower and attempt to kill my ego again to prove to myself that this is what I want.

(I didn’t realize that both delusional truth scenarios had ALREADY happened until my ego started coming back after the third peak haaha! I love lsd. )

Not really sure what happened here. I was in the shower and I attempted ego death again just because I felt like I had to go in a loop “outside, shower, outside, shower, outside, shower” and repeat it throughout the trip just to prove to myself that I really wanted ego death. It felt like this was the way the trip was supposed to go because I was chasing ego death but had missed my chance because I hesitated twice. It was not a negative loop or anything, just a loop I decided to go with because it amused me and I knew that LSD loves loops. I close my eyes, meditate, and attempt to breakthrough to the other side of ego death and nothing happens, but I am so fucking proud of myself for attempting.

I get out of the shower, get dressed, and go outside and listen to music. I had a fantastic walk on State Street. When I feel myself peaking upwards again, I head to my house. I see one of my extroverted housemates Staci and converse with her for a minute instead of ignoring her like I would have sober. I don’t want to make conversation for long though as she starts getting depressing so I just tell her that I’m peaking on acid and need to lie down or get in the shower and she wishes me a good trip.

So I go back into the shower, attempting ego death again. I close my eyes, sit down, and try to meditate, but I realize that I’m not going to get anywhere. This doesn’t bother me at all, as I experience a delusional “truth” that me going back to ego death during this trip was a very rare possibility as I had missed my chance when I had hesitated twice during my first peak but it was also because of random chance and math that had already been calculated. I had known this from the very start of the trip as a “truth” yet I still felt like I had to at least attempt ego death as to go along with the way the trip was supposed to happen.

A few minutes pass. I assume the third peak is finished as I can feel myself coming down. I admit defeat – ego death was not going to happen today. I missed my chance at ego death this trip because I hesitated twice, but, I am still completely satisfied with the trip intensity and so proud of myself for attempting anyways! I get out of the shower and start walking towards my room.

While on my way to my room, I realize that I had forgotten to brush my teeth. I head back into the shower to brush them. And then LSD surprises THE ABSOLUTE FUCK OUT OF ME. As soon as I step back into the shower I start PEAKING ABSOLUTE BALLS. It was FUCKING RIDICULOUS because I was simply not expecting it at all. I thought I had already gone through the third peak and was coming down now. I thought my trip had ended. I had admitted defeat, already admitted to myself that ego death was simply not going to happen this trip – I had had my chance and had hesitated twice and I would have to try again next time I dosed and that was perfectly alright with me. I was just trying to brush my teeth!

This was the happiest moment of my life. To quote Disregard Everything I Say, “the feelings of profundity become so intense and profound that it becomes manifested as the feeling that you’re entire life has been building up to this single point and that the present moment has historical significance for all of humanity as nothing will ever be the same again.” I felt this exactly. I go into a “truth” where I discover that LSD and other psychedelics are “internally embedded, chemically induced religions that have existed within human beings all along”. At some points, it felt like LSD was a gift from some higher power - god, some programmer, myself, and/or all of the above. At other points, it felt like evolution was completely responsible for this. I experienced multiple points of view and could look at LSD from many different angles. This “truth” EXCITED THE FUCK OUT OF ME. I WAS GEEKING THE FUCK OUT COMPLETELY. I was like “holy shit holy shit holy shit oh my fucking god asfsfsfasdfas” the entire time. I thought of Shulgin and Hoffman at some points. I came to the conclusion that psychedelics have made a much bigger impact on human society, history, and religion than I had ever thought possible. Humans have been tripping balls for centuries and it is only nowadays that this is frowned upon by society. This peak was the most euphoric and happiest part of the entire trip. It felt like the “grand finale” of the trip. I clapped when the LSD was done showing off. I also remember bursting into tears of relief and happiness at some points of the peak. So intense. Looking back, I felt EXACTLY like this paragraph by Alexander Shulgin in Pihkal:

“I am completely convinced that there is a wealth of information built into us, with miles of intuitive knowledge tucked away in the genetic material of every one of our cells. Something akin to a library containing uncountable reference volumes, but without some means of access, there is no way to even begin to guess at the extent of quality of what is there. The psychedelic drugs allow exploration of this interior world, and insights into its nature. Our generation is the first ever to have made the search for self-awareness a crime, if it is done with the use of plants or chemical compounds as the means of opening the psychic doors. But the urge to become aware is always present, and it increases in intensity as one grows older. This is the search that has been a part of human life from the very first moments of consciousness. The knowledge of his own mortality, knowledge which places him apart from his fellow animals, is what gives Man the right, the license, to explore the nature of his own soul and spirit, to discover what he can about the components of the human psyche. How is it then, that the leaders of our society have seen fit to try to eliminate this one very important means of learning and self-discovery, this means which has been used, respected, and honored for thousands of years, in every human culture of which we have a record? Why has peyote, for instance, which has served for centuries as a means by which a person may open his soul to an experience of God, been classified by our government as a Schedule I material, along with cocaine, heroin, and PCP? … Part of the answer may lie in an increasing trend in our culture towards both paternalism (authorities supply need and thus are able to dictate conduct) and provincialism (a narrowness of outlook, a single code of ethics)… The government and the Church decided that psychedelic drugs were dangerous to society and with the help of the press, it was made clear that this was the way to social chaos and spiritual disaster. What was unstated, of course, was the oldest rule of all: Thou shalt not oppose nor embarrass those in power without being punished.”

After the peak is over, I head out of the shower and back into my room. I am still tripping out hardcore about what just happened to me. I try to communicate what just happened in human English. I manage to type this:

"OH MY FUCKING GOD WHY THE FUCK IS THERE A SOME KIUDDRELIGIOUS KEY (LSD) IN OURSELVES? Why the fuc is theresomeweirfd religious/spirtuiual keyin side LSD>??? 2:13"

This took a ridiculous time to type out and I had to hit the backspace button multiple times. It felt like my fingers were too big for the keyboard buttons. The words written on the screen didn’t look English. I didn’t know how to form sentences. I didn’t know what words go before others so I just tried to get them all on there, but soon I realized it was pointless. I can’t translate what had happened to me. I had gotten the keywords down, that would be enough. I finally grasped the importance of time stamps, but still don’t know what time actually was. I’m geeking out and can’t stop pacing around my room with rapid cycling thoughts. Fifteen minutes later, I finally have my thoughts together and type:

2:34 PM things make more sense but I still don’t know why there is a religious key inside of us, quote from pihkal

At this point, I am five or six hours into my trip. My mind has never felt this clear. I felt more sober than sober. I had knowledge of all things. I still had my long-term memory, but it was pointless to think of anything stored in my long-term memory because I was having the most profound thoughts of my life. I can’t even describe them… because the thoughts were lost after I transitioned from feeling everything to being human.

I go outside. And then it hit me as a “truth” that the first five hours of the trip was my ego dying. I had experienced ego death without even realizing it. Hilarious. Now I was everything in the form of a nineteen year old girl and the next 7 hours would be me going from being everything back into human form. I realized that I had just experienced my birth which was also the birth of the universe and I think to myself “this was the greatest day of my life.” Extreme happiness right here and it stayed for the rest of the trip. I laughed about today being my birthday – my actual day of birth. It seemed much more appropriate to call today my birthday than call July 27th my birthday.

I wanted so badly for others to experience what I had felt. This was, I feel, the ULTIMATE HUMAN EXPERIENCE. It was the greatest day of my life and the greatest thing I have ever done. I truly felt “at peace” with myself and everything. Unfortunately, I felt like there were few human beings healthy enough to handle these chemicals without going crazy because of our society. I remember thinking during the trip that there is a very thin line between tripping and crazy in our current society and that most human beings would not be able to handle what I had just gone through without freaking the fuck out. I wanted to convince my brother to try LSD, though, because he is the only person I know who would probably be able to handle the intensity level. At one point in my trip notes, I wrote:

TELL BROTHER TO EXPLORE LSD AND SHROOMS DEEPER TELL MY BROTHER THAT THERE IS SOMETHING THERE THAT I WANT HIM TO SEE

It was the happiest day of my life, but the fact that most human beings would never experience what I had just experienced made me so sad. I figured if I called my brother right now, it might start a chain reaction that would lead up to him taking LSD and experiencing the greatest day of his life too. I was worried that when I sobered up I would never get the courage to start this chain reaction, so I decided to call him right now during my acid trip to leave a big impression. I wasn’t anxious about calling, but I wasn’t sure if I could make conversation, so I had to write what my message was on a piece of paper before I made the call. I wrote down “Have you ever considered doing lsd? I just had the greatest day of my life. I have never been happier! You need to try this! I am going to buy you lsd. You’re going to love it!” I figured this was enough conversation material to get the ball rolling and to get my point across. After this, it was up to him to start researching the effects of the drug in depth and start preparing his mind.

The next 7 hours were complete euphoria. I walked for eight hours straight stopping only for food, water, and weed to smoke to intensify the experience. Over the next seven hours, I walked down State Street, listened to Phish and the Flaming Lips, thought a lot, and learned what it was like to once again feel like a human being. This trip awakened the love of science in me.